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yujin13. (lake)

by yujin13

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1.
(untitled) 01:16
should i be surprised? back to this place i know too well. i can't even bear to look at myself in the eye right now. this is my home : the same old song, sung in the dark inside my empty room. just me. and yes, no longer am i left to wonder. and yet, i'm sitting here just left to wonder why. the weight is lifted from my chest. my arms and legs no longer stretch from east to west by this device i built inside my head. i am now free! but really? am i really? am i free? when all i see are past mistakes that flash inside my mind so randomly? a vivid picture painted by a mind that can't forget. a constant question of who i'd be if we had never met. so i move on ; separate from this empty mental state. i turn away, opposite mistakes that i made yesterday and the day before, and the day before until i can't remember anymore because that's just me. and i'm all i'll ever be.
2.
sanctuary. 03:10
i'm locked inside this room full of empty words. these walls confine my screams for help. there's no sign of concern. digging deep into my thoughts ; searching for the key. will the answer come to me eventually? please let me go. staring out this window ; a clear, infinite sky. my life comes to a screeching halt, yet time passes me by. an ironic comparison ; the scorn will always last. disposing of a future , reminded of my past. please let me go. my ears are filled with laughter. i am shameful. i am wrong. this guilt drives me into the ground. a place where i belong is all i yearn for all i dream for all i long to see. devoid of doubt , of fear , of fault ; my own sanctuary.
3.
fading into endless dream : this fantasy is my reality. is this something i really need ? a jaded view ; too good to be true. i realize that looking through these blurry eyes i see more than i have ever before. it seems that all our problems start to disappear when we are barely awake. recalling words spoken to me : echoes of a recurring theme. your pleasant face is all i see. i wake up ; it was just a dream. with all this weight just baring down grinding me into the ground it feels like i'm already dead. as i drift into serenity i finally start to realize that i'm barely awake. fading into endless dream : this fantasy is my reality. is this something i really need ? a jaded view ; too good to be true. struggling to find the truth we lose ourselves to life along the way. the peace that we find in our sleep? gone, as we wake up to another day.
4.
the cycle. 02:22
voices lost to the exchange of heated words the night before. i cannot sleep. the guilt ; it kills me. the sound of crying in the other room. two seconds of silence pierces my ears. i block it out with this wall of sound. decaying from consequences of audible violence ; this fear is surrounding me. i turn my back towards you. i won't accept apologies made in vain. i made the promise to myself: "i'll never be like you." i'll never be like you. sincere intent to provide a better life. ideals are memories that can no longer be achieved. living a nightmare that was once a dream. peace distorted into agony. tell me have you saved me from a fate we don't deserve? because now you're all alone. your house is not my home. i made the promise to myself: "i'll never be like you." i'll never be like you. save me from this place. i am not welcome anymore. relinquished from elation as we're locked inside this door. deliver me from agony ; a tragedy overlooking those that yearn for so much more. regression is a timely change. this time my life will never be the same. i broke a promise to myself: "i'll never be like you." because now i'm just like you.
5.
rest. 02:49
one more day. one more story. adding words to this run on sentence. this life neverends. i'm waiting to rest. contentment fades ; i'm done with pretending. this plastered grin on my face starts to crumble. this life neverends. i'm waiting to rest. did you seal my fate? am i one big mistake? is everything so meaningless to a soul that just ceased to exist? i won't let this be meaningless. staring at a blank reflection. the light just shoots from random directions. this life neverends. i'm waiting to rest. drop to my knees and beg for forgiveness. how can i possibly live with this life that neverends? i'm waiting to rest. did you seal my fate? am i one big mistake? is everything so meaningless to a soul that just ceased to exist? i won't let this be meaningless. your words are bullets that rip through my flesh. so just line me up with the rest and put this sack over my head. just let it end. did you seal my fate? am i one big mistake? is everything so meaningless to a soul that just ceased to exist? i won't let this be meaningless.

about

a fleeting peace through involuntary solace.

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released November 11, 2009

recorded, mixed, and mastered by christopher hopkins at earthbound recording in chula vista, ca in 2009

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yujin13 Chula Vista, California

the angels are already in heaven.

lux et vitae

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